When my third child was born and my oldest was four years old, I still seriously believed that if I had to take one thing out of parenting it would be "toilet training." I seriously thought it was the hardest thing to teach a child. But honestly, every normal person has been able to master this skill by a certain age. Even if your child hasn't gotten it "yet," they will!
Last month, I faced an even more difficult part of parenting. Teaching your children "Values." More specifically, "Honesty." How do you teach your child not to lie? Here is the story...
I'm pretty strict about finishing their food that I give them to eat. I don't make another special meal for any child if they don't like what everyone else is eating. If they don't eat it, they don't get anything else and I give it to them for the next meal. Well, one day they didn't like the dinner I made and refused to eat it. So I gave it to them for breakfast the next day.
We were running late and I was hosting a MOMS Club activity to the Children's Museum. So I made them take it with them. We were going to sit outside while they finished their food (I did take more "likable" food with me when they finished the last of their "leftovers"). Kyra ate all her food and we played while the other two sat struggling to finish their food. Kyra dropped a piece of pancake so I picked it up and threw it away in the trash can next to the bench that Rudy & Zaya sat on.
Not even a minute later, Rudy comes running up to me and says, "Mommy, I ate all my food." Being a smart Mommy, I ask, "Did you really eat all your food or throw it in the trash can?" Straight faced he says, "I ate all my food. I didn't throw it away."
Realistically it would have been impossible for him to have eaten anything that quickly so I walked over to the trash can. Zaya watched quietly with big eyes because she knew the whole story and wanted to see if Rudy would get away with it. As I looked in the trash, Zaya quietly said, "Rudy threw away his food." Yup, there was the food in the trash can. I was shocked and furious. We left the Children's Musium without even going in.
The next day, Zaya did the same with her eggs. I really thought she ate it all and only checked in the sink. After she went to sleep I found the eggs on the ground near the trash can. I was furious again, maybe more because I had no clue what to do.
While at Rudy's annual check-up I asked their Doctor, Bridget Rovner what I should do about lying. She said at his age, 5, time-out doesn't work as well for things like this. I need to make it more meaningful. When it happens, Rudy looses privileges. No toys, no bike, no friends over to play for 24 hours. He can stay on his bed and read books. If there is a party he is to go to the next day, he can't go. He'll remember that.
One thing that I did do right was show my children how lying was not acceptable. They saw how mad their lying made me. I also had to make sure they understood what the words, "lying" and "telling the truth" meant. This was harder to explain then I thought.
This is what really has worked so far: Before going to bed one night, we read some books and from the "Friend" (a church issued magazine for children). In the June issue there was a story called, "Mr. Lukin's Turkeys." It was about a boy that was faced with the decision to lie about what happened to the dead turkey or tell the truth. He had a yucky feeling inside as he kept the truth from his mother and Mr. Lukin. So in the end, even though he was really scared, the told the truth and felt a lot better.
When I was done reading the story, Rudy said, "I sometimes have that yucky feeling." So I said, "when you have that yucky feeling, tell what really happened, the truth and that yucky feeling will go away." He said, "okay."
A few days later something happened and I was questioning Rudy about the situation. He stopped and said, "I have a yucky feeling." I calmly said, "Then tell Mommy the truth." He then told the truth and I did my best to not get too upset and praise him for telling the truth and then give him the consequence of the error he made.
Accidently reading "Mr. Lurkin's Turkey's" was what worked to help me teach my children about lying. There are other stories and books out there with great values in them like honesty. Books are wonderful!
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